Lifestyle Definitions

Ok, let's be serious here... There are so many terms floating around out there, that it's so easy for anyone to get confused. Especially if you're new to the lifestyle! And, even if you're not, when you get around someone you're not familiar with, they may be talking about one thing, and you're thinking they're talking about something else. So, let's make sure you and I are at least on the same page! 


Once again, I have compiled a list of common terms that you're going to encounter. These are how I have come to understand the meaning of these things over the years, and whether you agree or not, that's how it is in my domain and what I have taught others who seek knowledge from me.


Safe, Sane and Consensual: A credo lived by most, if not all, within the D/s and BDSM community. All activities engaged in are done safely, with proper knowledge and/or skill, and often times experienced instruction from another to consider everyone's safety. Nothing occurs that is unreasonable or cannot be completed successfully, and will not exceed the set rules and/or limits of everyone involved.

D/s (Domination/submission): A generic term generally used to describe those who live a 24/7 lifestyle. There are many variations and extremities dictated by those involved based on their own personal opinions, views, philosophies and let limits.

BDSM: (B/D - Bondage/Discipline, D/s - Domination/submission, S/M - Sado-Masochism) A term generally applied to those who engage in "kink" activities, fetish play, and alternative intimate acts. This may be a part of the D/s lifestyle choice, or as strictly bedroom play.

Dominant, Domina, Dom/me, Master/Mistress: Titles applied to those in the D/s and BDSM community that take on a lead role. This may be for short term purposes, a 24/7 lifestyle choice, or on a bedroom only situation.

Submissive: Someone who willingly offers a power exchange, offering control in part or in whole, to a consenting partner for the purpose of mutual gratification. This can be a short term commitment, as a 24/7 lifestyle choice, or anything in between. These people generally retain their own identity, and some form of control over themselves, as defined by their limits.

Slave: Typically someone who offers a total power exchange (TPE), offering complete servitude and obedience to their partner. These people usually give up all freedom of choice, and willingly become their Owner's property, to have only those limits set forth for them.

Pet: Someone who retains their own sense of self-worth, and identity, who chooses to be obedient and serve their Owner. They maintain their own power of choice, but are eager and willing to please and bend to their Owners will. They have very little need of limits, except in specific circumstances, as they always have the freedom to say no.

Top, Bottom, Switch: Terms used to describe the various roles taken in the D/s and BDSM community. Tops are the ones in control, the leaders. Bottoms are those who obey and serve. Switches can take on either role, at any given time, at their discretion, and sometimes choose to "wear both hats" at the same time.

Vanilla: A term used to describe the rest of the world. People who live what is considered ordinary, plain lives. This can be applied to some aspects of the D/s and BDSM community at their discretion, but some view this part of reality as boring and drab.

Keyboard Lifestyler: Someone who uses the basic knowledge of D/s or BDSM (over the phone or online) to pretend to be more then they really are. They have little to no experience in the real world, and are simply playing mind games to seduce, mislead, or otherwise take advantage of someone else for their own personal gain. This can take on any role within the lifestyle or community, and it's often difficult to distinguish these people from those who are sincere.

Limits: Boundaries set by a submissive, but may also be determined by a Dom/me's own personal needs and preferences. These determine how far someone will go from one extreme to another, and what activities are completely off the books.

Safe Word: An uncommonly used word or motion chosen by consenting individuals to indicate that the scene, scenario, play or activity has gone too far, or has exceeded someone's limits. This is a word or action that will be respected by all involved, and only an abusive Dom/me will ignore it. However, some people (generally slaves) choose to not have a safe word at all.

Hurt (Pain) vs. Harm: Pain can be pleasure or punishment. It can be caused from training or learning a new skill or a capability. Within set limits, pain is a natural part of anyone's life - Vanilla, D/s or BDSM. However, pain is not the same as being harmed. Harm is real emotional, mental or physical damage that exceeds bruises, scratches or marks. Harm goes against the credo of Safe, Sane and Consensual and leaves real, lasting damage.

Sensory Deprivation: An act where one or more senses are deprived to heighten sensations from the other senses. Common examples include, but are not limited to, blindfolding, earplugs, cling wrap, mouth gags, etc. This act is typically used in conjunction with bondage and/or role-playing.

Tools: Anything and everything that the imagination can bring to life to use in a sexual or non-sexual manner. They are used to cause excitement, arousal, punishment, or torment..

Toys: Anything and everything that the imagination can bring to life to use in a sexual or non-sexual manner to bring someone pleasure or enjoyment.