Hurt vs Harm

Pain can be pleasure and punishment. It can also be caused from training or learning a new skill or capability. Within set limits, pain is natural and quite acceptable within any activity, even welcomed at times. However, pain is not the same as being harmed. Harm is real emotional, mental or physical damage that exceeds a bruise, scratch or mark. Harm goes against the credo of Safe. Sane. Consensual.

There is a huge difference here, but often times the two get confused. People have their own terms and definitions for the two, but for the purpose of this I'm going to use my own, in the manner I see it.

First, let’s take a look at hurt – pain.

Pain can have many causes. Some can be welcomed. Some will be feared. Pain can be good or bad. It’s used as pleasure for those who enjoy it for whatever reason, and it can be used as a punishment for those who can’t stand it. Pain also comes from training and/or learning something new. Just as you’re body is going to hurt from pushing yourself when learning a new sport or from exercise, the same can be said when you’re learning something in D/s or BDSM that you haven’t become accustomed to yet.

When you’re training or learning something new, it’s acceptable for there to be pain and discomfort. Your body has to accept whatever it is that you’re doing to it. Let’s be honest here, a lot of people do things that our bodies weren’t exactly intended to do, like using excessively large objects for penetration! And in learning that new ability or skill, it may not be fun or enjoyable to begin with. It’ll take time for the adjustments to be made. But as long as everyone involved is willing and wants to proceed, this kind of pain is acceptable. That’s the key though… everyone involved has to be a willing participant for the entire duration.

Pain can also be pleasure for many. These people are typically labeled as pain sluts, as they eventually crave pain. Maybe it’s the emotional release of it, the aftermath of pleasing their Dom/me, the feeling of being completely dominated and controlled, or they just love the physical pain itself. There are many reasons they will enjoy it, crave it, thrive off of it. And this again is perfectly acceptable, as long as the receiving party is a willing participant. And this type of pain will also take some adjusting to for the beginners, so it might not be enjoyed to begin with. But that’s ok too, as long as they’re willing.

Pain for punishment is also acceptable, as long as it’s within the set limits of the relationship. Spanking can be painful, but it doesn’t do any real harm does it? It may leave some markings, some bruising, but punishment isn’t supposed to be enjoyable is it? Sometimes a submissive/slave may be punished by being required to do something that is somewhat painful and/or uncomfortable – say, wearing an anal plug that’s not exactly the right shape or size? This is perfectly acceptable for a Dom/me to expect, as long as they’re staying within those important boundaries and limits.

Now let’s take a look at harm.

Harm is any act that brings about emotional, mental or physical damage. This can result from physical actions or verbal assaults. It can also be caused by lack of actions or words. For example, a submissive that needs affection will start to belittle him/herself for being a bad person if their Dom/me completely ignores them for an extended period of time. Now granted, sometimes lack of affection or attention is used for punishment, but that’s not the same as what we’re talking about here.

When a need is neglected, it can cause harm. This harm can show itself in the form of self-doubt, low self-esteem, insecurities, emotional outbursts, displays of anger, intentional disobedience, etc. The list goes on and on. No matter how it comes out, it’s going to make everyone involved miserable in the end. This type of harm usually results in the relationship being shattered. Everyone involved may become enemies. Feelings of betrayal and disappointment will drive a person into holding grudges. This type of harm can be emotional or mental. It can even lead to physical harm, depending on how the affected people cope with it.

Mental harm causes a person’s psyche to close in on itself. I'm not a psychologist and won’t even begin to go into the actual damage than can be done here. Just like having needs neglected, there are many ways in which this harm will show itself. And the causes will range from a Dom/me unintentionally belittling or humiliating their submissive/slave to extreme verbal onslaughts and attacks, and anything in between and beyond. Brain washing is often a result of this. S/he may start believing they’re worthless, ugly, unworthy, etc. They will doubt their own worth and what they deserve in life. Humm… this sounds a lot like depression.

When the harm is physical, a submissive/slave may become hand shy, much in the same way an abused dog will shy away when someone reaches to pet him. He/she may begin to fear their Dom/me. They may stop sleeping or eating. They may become physically ill. They may begin to act out in anger or frustration. It’s possible that they’ll become reclusive and shy. Again, the list is endless as to how a submissive/slave will react to this type of harm.

And harm does not just come to a submissive/slave. Harm can be done to a Dom/me as well, especially when a submissive lashes out. It’s my opinion this type of situation only occurs when a submissive has already been harmed, either by their current Dom/me or by a previous situation, and that s/he is in need of comfort, help and healing. But it’s not always true. Sometimes a submissive/slave simply causes harm for their own reasons, known and/or unknown.

But regardless of the type or the cause, (yes, there are many causes and affects) harm is wrong. Simply put, it’s unacceptable. There will be times when it happens without intent. The real test as to whether someone is being harmed or not, is to find out if everyone involved is really happy. If someone’s not, there’s something wrong. The harm may or may not have set in yet, but it can quickly arise if the issues are not properly addressed. Communication is incredibly important here, and may mean the difference between temporary and permanent harm.

Harm is a form of abuse, whether it’s intentional or not.

D/s should always be Safe, sane and consensual, and it's important to understand the power that lies within this intricate relationship.

Trust, communication, respect, understanding, compassion, etc are essential to keeping a relationship strong and healthy. When harm does occur, it can be healed. Sometimes it may be as simple as everyone involved sitting down and talking. Sometimes it may require assistance from an outside source, or doctor. But it can be healed. And as long as the harm is unintentional and is not a normal occurrence, everyone involved owes it to themselves to understand what went wrong, and learn to avoid it’s recurrence.

Be careful, whatever you do. Don’t confuse hurt with harm. Be observant and know when your partner is falling. There are always signs when harm is being done. And if you’re attentive and really know your partner, real harm can always be avoided, even if pain is being enjoyed.

Needs vs Wants

Often times, the confusion and misery in a relationship is caused by people not understanding what it is they need and want. In order for any relationship to be successful, everyone involved has to have their needs met. Wants, or desires, are things we look for but don’t have to have to live happily. But it’s not always easy to sort one from the other.

Needs are just that. They are things we have to have in order to live our lives and be happy and healthy. For example, we all need air, food and water. Without these things, we’re neither happy, nor are we living for long! Needs in a relationship are along the same lines. If they are not met, the relationship will be miserable, and it’s eventually going to die. Maybe quickly, maybe slow… but rest assured, it will end.

Wants, or desires, are things that we don’t have to have in order to live our lives and be happy. For example, we don’t have to have cable TV, but it’s something most people want, and it’s great when we have it. We don’t have to have cars, despite what some of you may think, but again… they make life easier and they’re great to have when they’re working properly.

So, need versus want. How can you tell?

It’s not a simple matter. What one person needs may only be wanted by another. And to someone else, that same thing may be completely unwanted, or they may be indifferent to it. It’s going to vary. The only real method to separating what you need from what you want is by doing some serious soul searching. It means you have to dig deep and be completely honest with yourself.

Is what you’re thinking you need really something you can’t live happily without? First, think about happiness. What does it mean to you? Living happily is far from the same thing as living conveniently, or in luxury. Actually, some people get so wound up in all the extras they can and do have that they overlook what makes them truly happy. Sometimes, that even means they’re miserable and don’t know why. They have everything, but they’re not content. Why? Because they don’t know what makes them happy. So ask yourself, and be candidly honest… what makes me really happy?

Once you have that answer, you can start evaluating what you think you need. It’s often best to make a list. Got a journal handy? Sometimes it takes a few days of thinking and re-reading to be able to list everything you really need. Needs may range from physical aspects or items in your life, emotional and mental attention and affections, to characteristics in a partner. Make sure you list any medical needs you may depend on too. There are many types of needs, and you need to know them all. Granted, there are going to be wants and desires mixed in that list, but that’s ok. As long as you get the needs down, you’re in good shape.

After you’re done, or think you’re done, start looking at each “need” individually. Think about how it applies to you, and how it applies to your definition of happiness. If you’re really honest, you’re going to find that some of the things you’ve listed do indeed make you happy, but are really just things you want. Guess it’s time to start scratching some things off that list?

Now that you (hopefully) have your list (You re-wrote it without all the scratches, right?), you know what it is that you need. And yes, knowing what you want is just as important, but it's not what we're focusing on right now.

Needs are important for the obvious reason that they keep you living a happy, healthy life. If you’re miserable, your quality of life will go downhill, and you won’t be able to have any kind of successful relationship. Plus, if you're miserable, how much effort are you going to put into your servitude towards your Dom/me? Or towards your submissive/slave? Are you seeing a downward spiral?

Not to mention, I know I, personally, have no use for a miserable slave. I may be sadistic, but I'm not heartless! There are those out there who don't care, but I'm not among them. So, if someone's not happy, why would I want them around me? I'm either going to let them go, or I'm going to have no interest in using them. Once again, I'm seeing that ugly downward spiral.

Both needs and wants are important for everyone. So don’t neglect them because you think they should only apply to the Dom/mes. Both sides have to know what each other's needs are so they can know if they're going to be a compatible match for each other before they enter into the relationship, much like when you were comparing your limits.

And it's also good to share your desires so they can be used as rewards, or in some cases, punishments. Just because you're going to get what you need doesn't mean you're going to get to choose just HOW you get it! A good Dom/me will be creative in how they distribute needs, wants, and discipline! Have to keep you on your toes, you know!

The bottom line though, is to be honest with yourself, and admit the truth, even if it’s not something you want to acknowledge. You’re only hurting yourself if you don’t, and honestly, that’s your choice too.

Everything comes down to choice. You can choose to figure out what you need and want, or you can choose to simply move on to the next person and hope you’ll get lucky.

Ultimately, you’re the one who has to figure out the answers and take the next step. Ultimately, you’re the one who has to choose.

Yes, you have alot of choices to make in the coming days, weeks, and months. You may have agreed to read this article, or obey someone somewhere along the lines, and be committed to the learning process. But... You can always take a step back and say "Hey, this isn't for me!"

No hard feelings here. So long as you're always honest with yourself.

Limits

You're going to hear it all over the place. "So tell me. What are your limits?"

I would hope you know what I'm talking about, but just on the off-hand chance you don't -

Limits
Boundaries typically set by a submissive, but may also be determined by a Dom/me’s own personal needs and preferences, to determine how far they will go in the power exchange and what activities they will not participate in.

Limits and boundaries are basically rules that are set for the relationship, either by a submissive/slave or by a Dom/me. They indicate what will not or can not happen within the power exchange. They can be long term, or for short periods of time. For a particular situation or person, or for group scenarios. You get the idea.

These rules may be dictated by a physical, emotional or mental incapability to do something. They could be a result of religion or personal beliefs. Limits are often times things that the person doesn’t like, is afraid of, is disgusted by, or isn’t ready for. Many times they’re things a person will not do, but they can also be things that they will not allow to be done to themselves. And sometimes, they're something that can't happen due to an ailment or injury.

I'll give you some examples. A few of one known submissive's limits are as follows: sex with children or animals, water sports or scat play, knife/needle play, sharing her Dom/Master or being shared with others, any public humiliation, obvious Master/slave interaction in front of her children, exhibitionism, or anything that was against the law.

As you can see, limits can go two ways. They can pertain to sexual activity or intercourse, or they can be applied to everyday life, such as the submissive's concerns to not expose her children to her lifestyle choice.

It’s not unheard of, but it’s not usually necessary for a Dom/me to set limits as they’re the ones in control. However, on occasion a Dom/me will encounter a submissive/slave that desires something S/He (meaning She/He for short) is against doing for whatever reason. That’s when S/He must communicate from the beginning that they will not engage in that act in any way. In that situation, the submissive/slave knows up front that in that relationship their desire will go unmet. Now if it’s a need for the submissive/slave, they shouldn’t submit!

A submissive setting limits is incredibly important. This will keep them safe and protected within the power exchange they willingly give to another. But it’s also important to know that these rules are not set in stone. People change. Situations and circumstances affect your own needs, wants, desires, likes and dislikes. Maybe there was something you didn’t realize you couldn’t or wouldn’t want to do. This is another time when communication, and often times safe words, come into play. An understanding and caring Dom/me will respect your need to re-evaluate your set limits.

Of course, there are also times when those limits may be pushed by the Dom/me. S/He should never break them, and never push harder than a submissive can take. Such acts are considered harmful abuse. But pushing is part of a growing D/s relationship. It’s part of expanding boundaries and learning new things. Often times there are limits set from fear, and with trust and guidance, a submissive/slave may learn to enjoy the things they are afraid of.

Don’t get me wrong. Some limits are what most people would term “Hard Limits.” Which means these limits should not be pushed, and most likely they will never change. A perfect example of this is a submissive who sets a limit for monogamy. Not only on his/her side, but also for his/her Dom/me. This is a rule that is most likely not going to change. If his/her Dom/me pushes that limit, they could very well be pushing themselves out the door instead!

That's why open communication is an important key, and also why you should know yourself inside and out, and where your limits are, and why they're set where they're at before going into any agreement or relationship. Without understanding, you could end up walking into heart ache. Even though D/s is rumored to be more stable then the vanilla world, there's just as much scale tipping on the break-up scale as there is anywhere else.

In addition to setting and knowing your limits, it's also important to know that limits can sometimes be over used.

Umm... Huh?? Come again?

It’s uncommon, but there are submissives/slaves out there who are going to set a list of limits that’s a mile long. It can list and outline every little detail, including how and when they can be punished, and for what. They’ll have intercourse under this situation, and this is how daily life will be. This is how power will be exerted over him/her. I'm sure you get the idea.

In my opinion, this is an abuse of limits. Sure, it works for some people. As always, to each their own. But I'm here to educate you on what things are, and let you decide what works for yourself. It’s my opinion that such an extreme usage of limits is unnecessary, but for you, that may not be so. That’s your opinion, and your choice. It’s not right or wrong. It’s just simply not acceptable around me.

Someone who goes to that extreme to outline how they're going to be dominiated might as well be the Dom/me. After all, they're the ones who are actually in control of things, even though they're the ones doing the submitting. Kinda confusing, if you think about it. The term that goes along with what they're doing is topping from the bottom. It quite literally means they're controlling their Dom/me. It'd be like telling their boss how to be their boss every minute of every day. But hey, if that's what you want, and someone else is happy with it, go for it!

I personally believe limits are there for protection and guidance. If you feel the need to outline every detail, then maybe you’re not really looking for D/s? Perhaps you’re just looking for some kinky role-play, or some BDSM bedroom fun. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it's something to consider.

The next thing I feel needs to be addressed is the constant changing and adding of limits. Yes, sometimes there’s an appropriate need to add something, or make a change here or there. But that’s not what I'm talking about. I'm referring to when a submissive/slave adds something to their list simply because they don’t want to do it.

For example, they’ve acted out and are being punished. Their Dom/me decides to punish them by making them spend the entire day scrubbing walls. Doesn’t sound like much fun does it? So, the submissive/slave decides they're going to set a limit that they can’t be used for slave labor. Humm… does this sound immature to you too?

But it happens. These types of people enter into the lifestyle under one set of limits, then start changing the rules once they’re in it because they’re not getting it their way. Maybe they’re in the wrong role? Maybe they’re just being selfish and/or are in it for the wrong reasons? Maybe they simply don’t understand what limits are really for? Your guess is as good as mine. I don’t understand it, but it is out there.

Let’s see? What else should be addressed? Oh yes… Limits sometimes turn into a negotiation. I’ve never really understood this, but I do know it happens. Before entering into a relationship, some people will sit down and negotiate how the relationship will work. Since I believe that D/s is a natural extension of your own natural self, how can your relationship be negotiated? You’ll sacrifice this part of yourself if they cut off that part? Um, excuse me? Wanna run that by me again? I'm at a total loss for understanding this, but if it works for you, by all means, please go right ahead. I'll just stay in this corner of the room and keep my nose out of it.

And Yes, it’s very important to have, in the very least, a verbal agreement or as I like to call it, an open book discussion listing your limits. However, some people go to a further extreme and outline the entire relationship in the process, but that’s their choice. My personal take on the matter is the relationship should simply take on it's natural course. Why do you need to get it in writing and get it signed?

Should you feel the need to physically write out an actual “contract,” keep in mind that any said contract will not hold up in any court of law, no matter how legal and official you make it. But, since you're going to do it, make sure you also include in your list things you’re afraid of, things you’re interested in but haven’t tried, as well as things you need in the relationship. While you’re at it, include things that you want, too. Heck, include everything you can. In the very least, you have something to look back on later down the road and see how far you’ve grown!

So the bottom line here? Set your limits to keep yourself Safe, sane and consensual. Don’t sacrifice any part of yourself to meet the needs of another person, but also don’t get involved with someone who’s needs you can’t meet. Respect limits, but find out where they can be pushed or explored. Learn and grow together, and understand that limits, though they are rules set for a purpose, are guidelines that can and will change over time.

Oh, and one more thing... not everything will be right for you. That doesn't make it wrong. That just means, you need to keep looking for a better fit. Remember, to each their own!

Fetish Introduction

Being a Dom/me or a submissive/slave should simply be a natural extension of who and what you are inside. Preferences, desires, needs and wants are going to vary from person to person. So why should everyone be forced to conform into a mold of rules that may only suit one specific type of person? Sounds simple enough, right? But, it's often times easier said then done.

There is really only one rule that everyone should have to follow. Safe, Sane, and Consensual! But beyond that, the sky truly is the limit. You will find books, articles and opinions everywhere you go. They will have their own idea of what should and shouldn’t be, or how things should happen. But the truth is, it’s the needs of the people involved that will dictate how things happen, and what that all entails.

It’s up to you to discover who you are inside, what your needs are, what it is you’re wanting and looking for, and what guidelines or philosophies you happen to fit into. What’s right for your neighbor, your best friend, or even your brother may not bring you happiness, whether they're in the lifestyle or not. If you’re sacrificing or settling, you will never be fulfilled, and therefore you will never really know what it is to be free.

To do this, you have to understand yourself. Sometimes it means accepting that what you were taught was wrong. You have to let go of everything you think you know. Because, just because they're right, they're wrong. Confused? Let me explain.

Everything you grew up with, influenced you. Your family, you're religion, you're neighborhood, the society you grew up in, and your friends. They all affected the way you made your choices, and the thoughts and feelings you grew up with. They all determined your beliefs and feelings for everything you believed was right and wrong. Just like many years ago, the whole world believed the world was flat.

You have to reprogram yourself to let go of the influences that have cemented the road blocks that will be standing in the way of where you're trying to go. No one else can do that for you. All those things that were taboo for all those people were right for them, but today, are they right for you? Do you really believe them? If you did, would you be here, right this minute, reading this article?

You've already taken the first steps necessary to get where you want to be. And even though you can't yet see the destination, you can see the journey. It's a long road ahead of you, with alot of twists and turns. You may think you're lost along the way, but you're really just taking the scenic route. There are no short cuts. The easy way will only loop you back around to the starting point eventually. So don't worry if it takes a while. There's alot to learn, and it won't always be easy.

There may be times when you’ll be forcing yourself to go beyond your shyness or insecurities. And yes, there may even be times when you will have to admit what you’re afraid to even admit to yourself, or things you didn't even realize. Some may even seem or feel scary or wrong. Others may seem embarrassing or shameful. I can assure you that you're not alone. I've been there myself, and many will follow in your shoes.

So why am I rambling on about all this? Because, I want to introduce you to fetishes. And there's a good reason for this. I believe that before you can ever truely learn something, you must first learn to understand it. And in this case, that means learning to understand yourself.

And since the BDSM and D/s lifestyles are very sexual lifestyles (for the most part, although many live in the dynamics without the BDSM aspect quite happily) you are going to be asked on a regular occassion what your limits are, what you are interested in, what you're curious about, etc. Not to mention, by opening yourself up to options, and possibilities (and a good fantasy or two!) you're also opening the door a little wider into a stimulating, and what I consider an amazingly gratifying underworld of sensuality and pure natural human instinct.

So, what exactly is a fetish? Simply put, it's an obsession that brings on arousal or excitement. Something that someone loves, or thrives on. What makes you tick? What makes you purr? What gets your motor going? It's not that hard to think about the obvious things, but what about those little quirks that we all have that makes you blush or feel shy? How about that secret little fantasy that you're afraid to let out of the closet? Ever daydream about being that naughty little school girl or boy, or having someone spank you until your cheeks are rosy red? When someone runs their nails down the small of your back, do you feel like melting? Those are considered fetishes.