Limits

You're going to hear it all over the place. "So tell me. What are your limits?"

I would hope you know what I'm talking about, but just on the off-hand chance you don't -

Limits
Boundaries typically set by a submissive, but may also be determined by a Dom/me’s own personal needs and preferences, to determine how far they will go in the power exchange and what activities they will not participate in.

Limits and boundaries are basically rules that are set for the relationship, either by a submissive/slave or by a Dom/me. They indicate what will not or can not happen within the power exchange. They can be long term, or for short periods of time. For a particular situation or person, or for group scenarios. You get the idea.

These rules may be dictated by a physical, emotional or mental incapability to do something. They could be a result of religion or personal beliefs. Limits are often times things that the person doesn’t like, is afraid of, is disgusted by, or isn’t ready for. Many times they’re things a person will not do, but they can also be things that they will not allow to be done to themselves. And sometimes, they're something that can't happen due to an ailment or injury.

I'll give you some examples. A few of one known submissive's limits are as follows: sex with children or animals, water sports or scat play, knife/needle play, sharing her Dom/Master or being shared with others, any public humiliation, obvious Master/slave interaction in front of her children, exhibitionism, or anything that was against the law.

As you can see, limits can go two ways. They can pertain to sexual activity or intercourse, or they can be applied to everyday life, such as the submissive's concerns to not expose her children to her lifestyle choice.

It’s not unheard of, but it’s not usually necessary for a Dom/me to set limits as they’re the ones in control. However, on occasion a Dom/me will encounter a submissive/slave that desires something S/He (meaning She/He for short) is against doing for whatever reason. That’s when S/He must communicate from the beginning that they will not engage in that act in any way. In that situation, the submissive/slave knows up front that in that relationship their desire will go unmet. Now if it’s a need for the submissive/slave, they shouldn’t submit!

A submissive setting limits is incredibly important. This will keep them safe and protected within the power exchange they willingly give to another. But it’s also important to know that these rules are not set in stone. People change. Situations and circumstances affect your own needs, wants, desires, likes and dislikes. Maybe there was something you didn’t realize you couldn’t or wouldn’t want to do. This is another time when communication, and often times safe words, come into play. An understanding and caring Dom/me will respect your need to re-evaluate your set limits.

Of course, there are also times when those limits may be pushed by the Dom/me. S/He should never break them, and never push harder than a submissive can take. Such acts are considered harmful abuse. But pushing is part of a growing D/s relationship. It’s part of expanding boundaries and learning new things. Often times there are limits set from fear, and with trust and guidance, a submissive/slave may learn to enjoy the things they are afraid of.

Don’t get me wrong. Some limits are what most people would term “Hard Limits.” Which means these limits should not be pushed, and most likely they will never change. A perfect example of this is a submissive who sets a limit for monogamy. Not only on his/her side, but also for his/her Dom/me. This is a rule that is most likely not going to change. If his/her Dom/me pushes that limit, they could very well be pushing themselves out the door instead!

That's why open communication is an important key, and also why you should know yourself inside and out, and where your limits are, and why they're set where they're at before going into any agreement or relationship. Without understanding, you could end up walking into heart ache. Even though D/s is rumored to be more stable then the vanilla world, there's just as much scale tipping on the break-up scale as there is anywhere else.

In addition to setting and knowing your limits, it's also important to know that limits can sometimes be over used.

Umm... Huh?? Come again?

It’s uncommon, but there are submissives/slaves out there who are going to set a list of limits that’s a mile long. It can list and outline every little detail, including how and when they can be punished, and for what. They’ll have intercourse under this situation, and this is how daily life will be. This is how power will be exerted over him/her. I'm sure you get the idea.

In my opinion, this is an abuse of limits. Sure, it works for some people. As always, to each their own. But I'm here to educate you on what things are, and let you decide what works for yourself. It’s my opinion that such an extreme usage of limits is unnecessary, but for you, that may not be so. That’s your opinion, and your choice. It’s not right or wrong. It’s just simply not acceptable around me.

Someone who goes to that extreme to outline how they're going to be dominiated might as well be the Dom/me. After all, they're the ones who are actually in control of things, even though they're the ones doing the submitting. Kinda confusing, if you think about it. The term that goes along with what they're doing is topping from the bottom. It quite literally means they're controlling their Dom/me. It'd be like telling their boss how to be their boss every minute of every day. But hey, if that's what you want, and someone else is happy with it, go for it!

I personally believe limits are there for protection and guidance. If you feel the need to outline every detail, then maybe you’re not really looking for D/s? Perhaps you’re just looking for some kinky role-play, or some BDSM bedroom fun. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it's something to consider.

The next thing I feel needs to be addressed is the constant changing and adding of limits. Yes, sometimes there’s an appropriate need to add something, or make a change here or there. But that’s not what I'm talking about. I'm referring to when a submissive/slave adds something to their list simply because they don’t want to do it.

For example, they’ve acted out and are being punished. Their Dom/me decides to punish them by making them spend the entire day scrubbing walls. Doesn’t sound like much fun does it? So, the submissive/slave decides they're going to set a limit that they can’t be used for slave labor. Humm… does this sound immature to you too?

But it happens. These types of people enter into the lifestyle under one set of limits, then start changing the rules once they’re in it because they’re not getting it their way. Maybe they’re in the wrong role? Maybe they’re just being selfish and/or are in it for the wrong reasons? Maybe they simply don’t understand what limits are really for? Your guess is as good as mine. I don’t understand it, but it is out there.

Let’s see? What else should be addressed? Oh yes… Limits sometimes turn into a negotiation. I’ve never really understood this, but I do know it happens. Before entering into a relationship, some people will sit down and negotiate how the relationship will work. Since I believe that D/s is a natural extension of your own natural self, how can your relationship be negotiated? You’ll sacrifice this part of yourself if they cut off that part? Um, excuse me? Wanna run that by me again? I'm at a total loss for understanding this, but if it works for you, by all means, please go right ahead. I'll just stay in this corner of the room and keep my nose out of it.

And Yes, it’s very important to have, in the very least, a verbal agreement or as I like to call it, an open book discussion listing your limits. However, some people go to a further extreme and outline the entire relationship in the process, but that’s their choice. My personal take on the matter is the relationship should simply take on it's natural course. Why do you need to get it in writing and get it signed?

Should you feel the need to physically write out an actual “contract,” keep in mind that any said contract will not hold up in any court of law, no matter how legal and official you make it. But, since you're going to do it, make sure you also include in your list things you’re afraid of, things you’re interested in but haven’t tried, as well as things you need in the relationship. While you’re at it, include things that you want, too. Heck, include everything you can. In the very least, you have something to look back on later down the road and see how far you’ve grown!

So the bottom line here? Set your limits to keep yourself Safe, sane and consensual. Don’t sacrifice any part of yourself to meet the needs of another person, but also don’t get involved with someone who’s needs you can’t meet. Respect limits, but find out where they can be pushed or explored. Learn and grow together, and understand that limits, though they are rules set for a purpose, are guidelines that can and will change over time.

Oh, and one more thing... not everything will be right for you. That doesn't make it wrong. That just means, you need to keep looking for a better fit. Remember, to each their own!