Hurt vs Harm

Pain can be pleasure and punishment. It can also be caused from training or learning a new skill or capability. Within set limits, pain is natural and quite acceptable within any activity, even welcomed at times. However, pain is not the same as being harmed. Harm is real emotional, mental or physical damage that exceeds a bruise, scratch or mark. Harm goes against the credo of Safe. Sane. Consensual.

There is a huge difference here, but often times the two get confused. People have their own terms and definitions for the two, but for the purpose of this I'm going to use my own, in the manner I see it.

First, let’s take a look at hurt – pain.

Pain can have many causes. Some can be welcomed. Some will be feared. Pain can be good or bad. It’s used as pleasure for those who enjoy it for whatever reason, and it can be used as a punishment for those who can’t stand it. Pain also comes from training and/or learning something new. Just as you’re body is going to hurt from pushing yourself when learning a new sport or from exercise, the same can be said when you’re learning something in D/s or BDSM that you haven’t become accustomed to yet.

When you’re training or learning something new, it’s acceptable for there to be pain and discomfort. Your body has to accept whatever it is that you’re doing to it. Let’s be honest here, a lot of people do things that our bodies weren’t exactly intended to do, like using excessively large objects for penetration! And in learning that new ability or skill, it may not be fun or enjoyable to begin with. It’ll take time for the adjustments to be made. But as long as everyone involved is willing and wants to proceed, this kind of pain is acceptable. That’s the key though… everyone involved has to be a willing participant for the entire duration.

Pain can also be pleasure for many. These people are typically labeled as pain sluts, as they eventually crave pain. Maybe it’s the emotional release of it, the aftermath of pleasing their Dom/me, the feeling of being completely dominated and controlled, or they just love the physical pain itself. There are many reasons they will enjoy it, crave it, thrive off of it. And this again is perfectly acceptable, as long as the receiving party is a willing participant. And this type of pain will also take some adjusting to for the beginners, so it might not be enjoyed to begin with. But that’s ok too, as long as they’re willing.

Pain for punishment is also acceptable, as long as it’s within the set limits of the relationship. Spanking can be painful, but it doesn’t do any real harm does it? It may leave some markings, some bruising, but punishment isn’t supposed to be enjoyable is it? Sometimes a submissive/slave may be punished by being required to do something that is somewhat painful and/or uncomfortable – say, wearing an anal plug that’s not exactly the right shape or size? This is perfectly acceptable for a Dom/me to expect, as long as they’re staying within those important boundaries and limits.

Now let’s take a look at harm.

Harm is any act that brings about emotional, mental or physical damage. This can result from physical actions or verbal assaults. It can also be caused by lack of actions or words. For example, a submissive that needs affection will start to belittle him/herself for being a bad person if their Dom/me completely ignores them for an extended period of time. Now granted, sometimes lack of affection or attention is used for punishment, but that’s not the same as what we’re talking about here.

When a need is neglected, it can cause harm. This harm can show itself in the form of self-doubt, low self-esteem, insecurities, emotional outbursts, displays of anger, intentional disobedience, etc. The list goes on and on. No matter how it comes out, it’s going to make everyone involved miserable in the end. This type of harm usually results in the relationship being shattered. Everyone involved may become enemies. Feelings of betrayal and disappointment will drive a person into holding grudges. This type of harm can be emotional or mental. It can even lead to physical harm, depending on how the affected people cope with it.

Mental harm causes a person’s psyche to close in on itself. I'm not a psychologist and won’t even begin to go into the actual damage than can be done here. Just like having needs neglected, there are many ways in which this harm will show itself. And the causes will range from a Dom/me unintentionally belittling or humiliating their submissive/slave to extreme verbal onslaughts and attacks, and anything in between and beyond. Brain washing is often a result of this. S/he may start believing they’re worthless, ugly, unworthy, etc. They will doubt their own worth and what they deserve in life. Humm… this sounds a lot like depression.

When the harm is physical, a submissive/slave may become hand shy, much in the same way an abused dog will shy away when someone reaches to pet him. He/she may begin to fear their Dom/me. They may stop sleeping or eating. They may become physically ill. They may begin to act out in anger or frustration. It’s possible that they’ll become reclusive and shy. Again, the list is endless as to how a submissive/slave will react to this type of harm.

And harm does not just come to a submissive/slave. Harm can be done to a Dom/me as well, especially when a submissive lashes out. It’s my opinion this type of situation only occurs when a submissive has already been harmed, either by their current Dom/me or by a previous situation, and that s/he is in need of comfort, help and healing. But it’s not always true. Sometimes a submissive/slave simply causes harm for their own reasons, known and/or unknown.

But regardless of the type or the cause, (yes, there are many causes and affects) harm is wrong. Simply put, it’s unacceptable. There will be times when it happens without intent. The real test as to whether someone is being harmed or not, is to find out if everyone involved is really happy. If someone’s not, there’s something wrong. The harm may or may not have set in yet, but it can quickly arise if the issues are not properly addressed. Communication is incredibly important here, and may mean the difference between temporary and permanent harm.

Harm is a form of abuse, whether it’s intentional or not.

D/s should always be Safe, sane and consensual, and it's important to understand the power that lies within this intricate relationship.

Trust, communication, respect, understanding, compassion, etc are essential to keeping a relationship strong and healthy. When harm does occur, it can be healed. Sometimes it may be as simple as everyone involved sitting down and talking. Sometimes it may require assistance from an outside source, or doctor. But it can be healed. And as long as the harm is unintentional and is not a normal occurrence, everyone involved owes it to themselves to understand what went wrong, and learn to avoid it’s recurrence.

Be careful, whatever you do. Don’t confuse hurt with harm. Be observant and know when your partner is falling. There are always signs when harm is being done. And if you’re attentive and really know your partner, real harm can always be avoided, even if pain is being enjoyed.