Needs vs Wants

Often times, the confusion and misery in a relationship is caused by people not understanding what it is they need and want. In order for any relationship to be successful, everyone involved has to have their needs met. Wants, or desires, are things we look for but don’t have to have to live happily. But it’s not always easy to sort one from the other.

Needs are just that. They are things we have to have in order to live our lives and be happy and healthy. For example, we all need air, food and water. Without these things, we’re neither happy, nor are we living for long! Needs in a relationship are along the same lines. If they are not met, the relationship will be miserable, and it’s eventually going to die. Maybe quickly, maybe slow… but rest assured, it will end.

Wants, or desires, are things that we don’t have to have in order to live our lives and be happy. For example, we don’t have to have cable TV, but it’s something most people want, and it’s great when we have it. We don’t have to have cars, despite what some of you may think, but again… they make life easier and they’re great to have when they’re working properly.

So, need versus want. How can you tell?

It’s not a simple matter. What one person needs may only be wanted by another. And to someone else, that same thing may be completely unwanted, or they may be indifferent to it. It’s going to vary. The only real method to separating what you need from what you want is by doing some serious soul searching. It means you have to dig deep and be completely honest with yourself.

Is what you’re thinking you need really something you can’t live happily without? First, think about happiness. What does it mean to you? Living happily is far from the same thing as living conveniently, or in luxury. Actually, some people get so wound up in all the extras they can and do have that they overlook what makes them truly happy. Sometimes, that even means they’re miserable and don’t know why. They have everything, but they’re not content. Why? Because they don’t know what makes them happy. So ask yourself, and be candidly honest… what makes me really happy?

Once you have that answer, you can start evaluating what you think you need. It’s often best to make a list. Got a journal handy? Sometimes it takes a few days of thinking and re-reading to be able to list everything you really need. Needs may range from physical aspects or items in your life, emotional and mental attention and affections, to characteristics in a partner. Make sure you list any medical needs you may depend on too. There are many types of needs, and you need to know them all. Granted, there are going to be wants and desires mixed in that list, but that’s ok. As long as you get the needs down, you’re in good shape.

After you’re done, or think you’re done, start looking at each “need” individually. Think about how it applies to you, and how it applies to your definition of happiness. If you’re really honest, you’re going to find that some of the things you’ve listed do indeed make you happy, but are really just things you want. Guess it’s time to start scratching some things off that list?

Now that you (hopefully) have your list (You re-wrote it without all the scratches, right?), you know what it is that you need. And yes, knowing what you want is just as important, but it's not what we're focusing on right now.

Needs are important for the obvious reason that they keep you living a happy, healthy life. If you’re miserable, your quality of life will go downhill, and you won’t be able to have any kind of successful relationship. Plus, if you're miserable, how much effort are you going to put into your servitude towards your Dom/me? Or towards your submissive/slave? Are you seeing a downward spiral?

Not to mention, I know I, personally, have no use for a miserable slave. I may be sadistic, but I'm not heartless! There are those out there who don't care, but I'm not among them. So, if someone's not happy, why would I want them around me? I'm either going to let them go, or I'm going to have no interest in using them. Once again, I'm seeing that ugly downward spiral.

Both needs and wants are important for everyone. So don’t neglect them because you think they should only apply to the Dom/mes. Both sides have to know what each other's needs are so they can know if they're going to be a compatible match for each other before they enter into the relationship, much like when you were comparing your limits.

And it's also good to share your desires so they can be used as rewards, or in some cases, punishments. Just because you're going to get what you need doesn't mean you're going to get to choose just HOW you get it! A good Dom/me will be creative in how they distribute needs, wants, and discipline! Have to keep you on your toes, you know!

The bottom line though, is to be honest with yourself, and admit the truth, even if it’s not something you want to acknowledge. You’re only hurting yourself if you don’t, and honestly, that’s your choice too.

Everything comes down to choice. You can choose to figure out what you need and want, or you can choose to simply move on to the next person and hope you’ll get lucky.

Ultimately, you’re the one who has to figure out the answers and take the next step. Ultimately, you’re the one who has to choose.

Yes, you have alot of choices to make in the coming days, weeks, and months. You may have agreed to read this article, or obey someone somewhere along the lines, and be committed to the learning process. But... You can always take a step back and say "Hey, this isn't for me!"

No hard feelings here. So long as you're always honest with yourself.